SATIRE: US President Donald Trump met Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern in New York this week. Andrea Vance had exclusive access.
United Nations Headquarters
New York, New York
10:17 P.M. EDT
PRESIDENT TRUMP: Thank you very much. It is an honour for you to have me here today.
Because just the other day, and that was a great day, we had Jenny here and her husband Scott to the White House for dinner. Very good, very nice dinner, and we had a lot to discuss…
PRIME MINISTER ARDERN: Ah, yes. Well, ultimately, I'm the prime minister of New Zealand and she's, um, the wife of the Australian prime minister. So look, first of all I'd like to acknowledge the warm and ...
PRESIDENT TRUMP: Yes, much to discuss. One of them, perhaps in our case, the biggest one is trade, We do a lot of trade together and we're working on that. You've been getting great deals from America. Really great deals.
And this is a big win for our country. New Zealand is going to be an amazing state. Perhaps the best state you have ever seen.
PRIME MINISTER ARDERN: Look, ultimately, as I understand it, New Zealand isn't for sale. But look, as I said, New Zealand and the US have very warm and cordial relations ...
PRESIDENT TRUMP: We're doing very well. I think very soon we'll have a larger deal down the road a little bit. Believe me. And that guy, the foreign minister, who's right here, negotiating for New Zealand, why don't we bring him in?
PRIME MINSTER ARDERN: Winston? you mean Winston Peters? He's ah, look as I understand it, recovering from a small surgical procedure to address an old leg issue and has been advised, post-procedure, to have some days avoiding travel and not bearing weight on what I believe, or have come to understand, might be a foot-in-mouth injury.
But look ultimately, Mr President, as I've said, although New Zealand has a very warm and cordial relationship with the US, ultimately, to the best of my knowledge it is not for sale, despite what you and Mr Peters might have discussed?
PRESIDENT TRUMP: Winston? No. I don't know that guy. I mean Bob. Bob Charles. Shame he's not a right-hander. But he's a great negotiator, terrific negotiator. He just killed us, just killed us.
PRIME MINISTER ARDERN: Right, look ultimately Mr President, to be clear, my Government has a particular focus on maintaining forward momentum in our year of delivery...
PRESIDENT TRUMP: I mean, great deal really. Yuge deal. Buying those guns…
PRIME MINISTER ARDERN: Look, ultimately, as I've said… Wait, Mr President, you have an interest in our gun buyback?
PRESIDENT TRUMP: Unlike my failed predecessor, I'm a smart guy. I know a good deal. And when Bob said we could take all those New Zealand guns, as well. I mean, very good, very smart.
PRIME MINISTER ARDERN: ….
PRESIDENT TRUMP: And all your nu-cu-lar free weapons. You got to grab them in the purse. That's the art of a good deal. Many people are saying this deal is the biggest ever in the history of everything. I think a lot of good things will come from this deal. I love the many peoples of New Zealand. I love them Cindy, and they love me.
But look we have plenty to discuss. I want to address two issues that we are going to need to deal with. The relocation. When you look at what's going on with Chey-eye-na, I think the smartest place is the sea, you know, south of Chey-eye-na.
PRIME MINISTER ARDERN: At the official level, as I understand it, you want to move New Zealand? To the South China Seas? As I've said before, China is a very important and highly valued partner for New Zealand and we have a warm and cordial relationship with the US. However, ultimately, I think there's a general acceptance from those who are likely to be affected that that's not going to work for us.
PRESIDENT TRUMP: Nasty woman. I will be postponing my visit in December for another time. Sad!
PRIME MINISTER ARDERN: That's Australia. You are playing golf in Australia. But look, as I said, we have a warm and cordial relationship with the US. I haven't ruled it out. How about a working group?
