Andrew Gunn is a Christchurch-based film and television scriptwriter, and columnist.

OPINION/SATIRE: The Russian Embassy, Wellington. The Russian Ambassador stands beneath a huge portrait of Vladimir Putin seated on a golden throne and stroking a short-haired white cat perched on his lap. The Ambassador is approached by his trusted advisor Yuri.

Y: Good morning Ambassador. I trust overnight cables bring more news of glorious victories in our not-a-war special operation in Greater Russia?

A: Nothing but, Yuri.

Y: Of course. Now there is still chance you will be called to New Zealand Parliament to give account of our valiant liberating army’s courageous efforts.

A: And if I refuse? Speaker Mallard will park up outside the embassy and play Twenty Solid Gold Decadent Capitalist Hits?

Y: Very droll, Ambassador. My sides split. Nevertheless, we must prepare mentally for the statements you will be making. Let us begin with some warm-up exercises. Repeat after me: “You can’t beat Wellington on a good day.”

A: Is this a trick, Yuri?

Y: We are starting with the ones that are easiest to swallow and working our way up. Now if you please, with conviction.

A: “You can’t beat Wellington on a good day.”

Y: Excellent! Now try this one: “The Warriors are the best team in the league”.

A: But are they?

Y: No no no! You miss point. Is opinion! One opinion as good as another. You say tomato, I say turnip, etc etc etc. Who is to say you are wrong? No-one! So, please…

A: “The Warriors are the best team in the league.”

Y: I am convinced! Next: “It never rains in Gisborne.”

A: Surely that cannot be true. I have seen Dan the TV man speak of rain in Gisborne.

Y: Is distorted western media! Have you ever seen it rain in Gisborne with your own eyes?

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A: Well, no.

Y: Well then.

A: “It never rains in Gisborne.”

Y: And just like that, it does not! Next: “Public transport should not be subsidised”.

A: What kind of madness is this?

Y: Some people round here are saying that and if they can do it, so can you. Now take deep breath and give it your best shot.

A: “Public transport should not be subsidised.”

Y: I’m a believer! Quickly one more. “Phar Lap and Crowded House are Australian through and through”.

A: But everyone knows –

Y: Say it!

A: “Phar Lap and Crowded House are Australian through and through.”

Y: “And so is pavlova”.

A: “And so is pavlova.”

Y: Yes! Now we on the roll! So, I have taken liberty of preparing what you say to New Zealand MPs. Repeat after me: “Russia had no choice but to fight. Our task is to fulfil and achieve all the goals set, minimising losses.”

A: “Russia had no choice but to fight. Our task is to fulfil and achieve all the goals set, minimising losses.”

Y: Bravo! You excel at the speaking with the straight face!

A: Well, I have learned from the master.

Y: You mean – our glorious leader?

A: No no – I’ve been watching videos of Boris Johnson.