OPINION: Last Monday, when media asked Winston Peters about changing welfare to really help people rather than leave them below the poverty line, his answer was vague but offered hope: "Not yet... but we will".

That's a big change in attitude from the last Government, but it needs to come with real change too, for me and for my children, and for every other family relying on assistance. And it needs to come really soon.

Don't get me wrong, I understand that a lot of big changes need to be made, and some of these will take a bit of working through. However, there's a really simple thing that this Government could do today - updating the definition of a relationship for people on income support.

In short, stopping Work and Income from declaring you "married" if you spend six weeks with someone.

That one change would finally get rid of an outdated, discriminatory policy that has seen women having to trade off relationships for financial independence. Often with awful results.

Do you have experience of this? 

A few years ago my marriage ended and I ended up on a benefit - the Jobseeker sole parent support. I'm not on it now, but working part-time (as many single parents do) and being low income means I'm still getting an accommodation supplement. That means an important part of my income - the money I need for me and my children - is still put at risk based on how I date someone. It also means that part of my criteria for a new partner is whether they're willing to support me and my kids.

That's nuts. Because Work and Income's test for relationships is so low, I can't risk having someone stay over for more than a couple of nights a week. I have to make sure that if I'm flatting that it's really clear to Work and Income that I'm flatting - not "shacking up". My romantic life is not my own and If I want to date I'm always looking over my shoulder.

For some women, it's worse. For some, moving in with someone is the end of their financial independence within weeks, only for them to discover that the partner they are now financially dependent on isn't who they thought they were at all. Sometimes that's just about not getting along like you thought you would, sometimes it's a lot darker.

If you don't want to take that risk, you don't get to try to have a relationship. It's lose/lose.

And it's not in line with any other Government policy. Inland Revenue, ACC and Superannuation, have individual entitlements, but the logic behind social welfare seems to be that you're only the state's problem if you're not someone else's. You're only entitled to full support if there's no one around to take care of you.

Well, no one you're sleeping with, that is - you're not asked whether your extended family could support you. Instead, the assumption is that the person you've been seeing a few nights a week should step up to help pay the rent.

Every New Zealander who has lived with a partner knows about the three-year rule under the Relationship Property Act. But Work and Income defines a relationship from six weeks. I don't know about you, but I haven't even figured out whether I can tolerate someone's music taste within six weeks, let alone decided whether they're reliable, financially responsible, empathetic, honest, caring and kind enough to even consider them as a life partner.

For single parents, a new relationship is a fragile thing. It needs careful boundary-setting, clear communication, conscious decision-making, and a lot of time. That's because there are children involved and you're just really careful with them. Forcing people into a ready-made family isn't the child wellbeing that this government has promised to prioritise. Yet for single mums, the alternatives to declaring their new relationship are even bleaker.

Either we continue to nurture the fledgling relationship and therefore risk committing fraud, or we walk away from something with the potential to bring joy and meaning to our lives; a loving relationship. It seems ludicrous to be asking for women's rights to maintain their financial independence in 2019, and to have to explain or justify why we need them. Winston, Jacinda, it's well past time for "not yet". You need to say "we will" and you need to say it now.